I'm just a girl who can't say no

[Eggborn]

When you need to farm for those tradeskill skill up things at that ever hard to get camp how does one say no to:

Very Close Friends
Defenders of the newb/flaggless/people needing help
Highly motivated guild day off raid leaders
Other guildees
Whining friends and guildees

Without looking like a greedy jerk

I like to try and be there anytime I see a cry for help or even a nice request, but there are so many more of those than there is time for me to barely get, lets say, the wolves to spawn, or to, look at what is in my bank to make drink I ran out of. I also need help on my epic as well, but have put it off for months, just cause of the grief I have had over many others' quests. I really want my epic too, but how can I ask for help if I say no to others? even once. I always have a good time when I leave my goals for others, and I dont want to look like a jerk, but..

I NEED TO DO SOME THINGS I WANT TO DO TODAY!

When I send them tells explaining I think they just blink at me. Then, if they dont get enough... They Actually Start Shouting For Something Else. If I am in a group already, they tend to leave me alone, but for tradeskills, I just cant seem to get a no to stick.. that is my fault.. but how!

How do all of you balance this stuff in game? (not sleeping is not an option lol, I used to get up and do stuff for 15 mins before work, but for some farming, just to get the mobs to spawn, it can take hours)

[Verdandi]

Very Close Friends aren't very close friends if they don't understand and respect your need to pursue your own goals sometimes. Be honest. If they persist, they're demoted to "whining friends".

Defenders of the Help-Needing are a worthy cause. I usually ask if they can wait another 10/20/30 minutes and try to finish up doing whatever I was doing, or squeeze in something else. If you need a lot of time, things like "I really need to do [the noblest of the things on my To Do list] but I've had a terrible time getting a chance to do it. Could I help you on [insert another day]?" That lets you get on with things and increases the chance that they'll manage without you. But that should be used sparingly to avoid becoming genuinely unhelpful.

Highly Motivated Leaders on the Day Off can take No for an answer. It's the day off. Slipping in reminders of how good you've been about attending helps. "Sorry but I've been to every raid for the last 10 days and really want to take this time to do XYZ before the next 10 straight days of raids starts."

Other Guildies are important, but no more than you. Ask them if they'll be around in however much time it'll take you to do what you're wanting to do. Or if it's something you can do from anywhere, ask them to come to you so you only have to pause for a few. If it's a raid type thing they need, well...I've always been a fan of guild policies that any request for help with a fight be scheduled in advance where possible.

Whining Friends get a mix of all the above, as necessary. The whiniest people get hints to buzz off. "I'm in the middle of something now, but you could try forming a pickup group to take it." Once you've put them off once or twice they usually go off in search of someone else to beg.

[Nolrog]

I also need help on my epic as well, but have put it off for months, just cause of the grief I have had over many others' quests. I really want my epic too, but how can I ask for help if I say no to others? even once.

If they are friends, they'll come and help regardless of whether you helped them or not. They'll come and help you 10 times, without expecting anything in return. Because that's what friends do.

If you are trying to do something, and they ask for help, tell them, I'm really sorry, but I'm right in the middle of something (don't have to go into details if you don't want, or you could say, I'm in the middle of farming up some tradeskill ingredients so I can raise my skill and make that uber breastplate for everyone, or so I can restock my trader and make some platinum for an item I've had my eye on.) People will understand.

If they want to do an epic drop or something, perhaps they could set up a time, so that you can plan on attending.

[Qaladar Bragollach]

/anon
/afk No.

[Heathin]

I used to get grief like that all the time, and found only one way that really truly worked. I call it the ostrich method, and you must be serious about tradeskills to use it.
/afk Busy Smithing (or whatever I was working on at the time) All chat windows are closed. Sorry I missed you.

Then close all your chat windows and skill away with your head in the sand.
(I made a seperate window that would have my successes and fails and skillups in it, that was the only window up)
You'll be all by yourself with plenty of time to skill up. Yes, you'll miss anything going on, but what's more important is that you'll get to do your tradeskills in peace.

[Maisie]

I am borrowing this method

[Akishka]

I have to agree that other people are no more important than you yourself are. Try this 'well, I really would like to have X amount of Y item today. If you'd like to come help me farm, as soon as I get that then I can help you. Otherwise, it may eat up most of my time today so I will have to help you later'.

[Angelsyn]

The raid-leader on off-days?

Tell him "Sure, if we're doing XYZ thing for my Epic (now, this week, immediately after, tomorrow, also)."

I'm the kind of player who doesn't get a lot of play-time... fortunately, my current Guild knows this. They also know that if I'm around and not doing tradeskills, that I'll gladly come along on whatever they're doing.

I also know that, when the day comes that I say "I want to get started on my Epic", that I'll have plenty of help.

[Railina]

I like to try and be there anytime I see a cry for help or even a nice request, but there are so many more of those than there is time for me to barely get, lets say, the wolves to spawn, or to, look at what is in my bank to make drink I ran out of. I also need help on my epic as well, but have put it off for months, just cause of the grief I have had over many others' quests. I really want my epic too, but how can I ask for help if I say no to others? even once. I always have a good time when I leave my goals for others, and I dont want to look like a jerk, but.

I think this is particularly germain to the discussion:

Do not confuse "duty" with what other people expect of you; they are utterly different. Duty is a debt you owe to yourself to fulfill obligations you have assumed voluntarily. Paying that debt can involve anything from years of patient work to instant willingness to die. Difficult it may be, but the reward is self-respect.

But there is no reward at all for doing what people expect of you, and to do so is not merely difficult, but impossible. It is easier with a footpad than the leech who wants "just a few minutes of your time, please -- this won't take long." Time is your total capital, and the minutes of your life are painfully few. If you allow yourself to fall into the vice of agreeing to these requests, they quickly snowball to the point where the parasites will use up 100 percent of your time -- and squawk for more!

So learn to say No -- and to be rude about it when necessary.

Otherwise you will not have time to carry out your duty, or to do your own work, and certainly no time for love and happiness. The termites will nibble away your life and leave none of it for you. (This rule does not mean you must not do a favor for a friend, or even a stranger. But let the choice be yours. Don't do it because it is "expected" of you.)
--Robert Anson Heinlein

Pretty good advice, for EQ and RL. And like everyone else has said, if people are pressuring you to help them when they aren't willing to help you, they're not really friends, and probably aren't worth your trouble.

[Kitathia]

I'm right there with you! I'm also working on my epic ( MY very first even) and did recieve quite a bit of help farming the hard drops ( still need one) Darn Void Gem WILL NOT drop for me in ME!

My guild have assigned one person to set up Epic fights - check Mobs and such and she does a DARN good job too. I'm sure that JOB will be rotated sooner or later cause it's pretty time-consuming I bet. We have it set up Thursday as Epic-drop night, though that does not mean we don't go hunt for Epic-drops other days/nights too.. We also have a "quest guide" in the guild who will help set up a group if needed, but in general my guildmates are pretty good at stepping up to the plate and lend a hand.

I don't think there is anything WRONG in saying no on occation cause you may not know it.. but they DO understand - and those you don't.. Oh, well.. they will after a few NO's.. And I DO think you should put it out there that you want to work on YOUR epic - I bet they will set something up for you.

And as a little advice every now and then try to STOP yourself from voluntering every time

Anyways,
Best of luck and GO get your Epic, hun - you deserve it!
Kitathia 56 Animist of Quellious Nife
Chauntia 52 Wanderer of Quellious Nife

[Nefertiti Nazguul]

this is how you say NO!

NO NO NO NO NO!!!!

Just Kidding, Make it known to your guild / friends that <one day a week> is just Eggborn and Eggborn only's day. You need at least one day week for yourself. And as Qaladar said above use /anon and /afk tags. Anon will hide the present zone you are in. AFk you can type a nice little message after /afk <message>. I like to use /afk The name you have reached
N-E-F-E-R-E-T-I has been temporarily disconnected please hang up and try again at a later time. I love it and I get repeat tells just to tell me they love my afk message For your cause I would use /afk <day of the Week> is my personal days please try me on another day. Thank You. Dont answer any tells or any hails, and turn guild chat off if you want too. If you have a hardazz guild leader you might let them know what you plan on doing. Lucky the leader of my guild is me. I am a hardazz and I require that only myself is to let everyone know what I am doing. Everyone else usually groups together anyways and rarely do their own thing. I gonna have to break this click up sometime I suppose. :/

[Sanvean]

Slight derail... just had to comment on this:

Your ridiculous little
opinion has been noted.

had me in stitches for like 10 minutes... no really, it did...

[Elyssanda]

Slight derail... just had to comment on this:


had me in stitches for like 10 minutes... no really, it did...

You too? OMG I loved it!

/derail off

I am kinda the *main* tradeskill person in my guild. There are others in who have been playing since '99, I've been around since 2002, I get asked all the questions, how do you, where do you.. will you... etc. Most of the guildees (about 100 active) know if they want me to make them something, to post it on our guild boards, or e-mail me about it. (love the new in-game e-mail thingy)
I am more than willing to help guildees hunt/farm etc.. but they know I will ask for help in return within a week. I play enough hours that I could easily be in a hard-core raiding guild if I wanted. And I have ALOT of friends who are. They still come to me for stuff, and help me with drops I need, if it drops in their normal groupage (yay friends!)
When I hit level 40, I took a MONTH off the XP grind to do nothing but tradeskill. I was collecting ANYTHING the was baking related and cooking it, whether it was under my skill level or over it. I was feeding 3 guilds with all the stuff I was giving away. Every forager was giving me everything they had (I still have 2 deluxe toolboxes ful of roots left-- Darts anyone?), and ALL meats were given to me by everyone. I had a blast baking it all up coming up with things many people hadn't heard of because they were only buying HMPs & MTPs.

whoops...kinda got long and wordy.. boil it down to a nutshell, If you are skilling up on anything that might be *SLIGHTLY* useful for friends, Tell them they can have it for free if they help you, and then take a day or two ( or a week or two) and do nothing but work on it. Believe me, they will not only understand, they will have stuff waiting for you as you log on.

(this I know. Am on vacation atm not able to play, and my poor DH has to log on my main, or an alt at least twice a week to arrange for pick ups from our friends all for me) have been gone all of June.

[Flatley]

My problem is just the opposite. I try to get my guildmates to tell me what they want to farm. I want more tradeskillers in the guild! Unfortunately, apathy is a major guild trait. I farm during the week because I live on the West coast and most players are on the East coast and usually just logging as I get on. So, I farm vendor dive and tradeskill during the week along with soloing. I load up my guild bank with tradeskill items for other culturals as I can't use them and I hope someone else can. What do you do?

[ppatti]

Do not confuse "duty" with what other people expect of you; they are utterly different. Duty is a debt you owe to yourself to fulfill obligations you have assumed voluntarily. Paying that debt can involve anything from years of patient work to instant willingness to die. Difficult it may be, but the reward is self-respect.

But there is no reward at all for doing what people expect of you, and to do so is not merely difficult, but impossible. It is easier with a footpad than the leech who wants "just a few minutes of your time, please -- this won't take long." Time is your total capital, and the minutes of your life are painfully few. If you allow yourself to fall into the vice of agreeing to these requests, they quickly snowball to the point where the parasites will use up 100 percent of your time -- and squawk for more!

So learn to say No -- and to be rude about it when necessary.

Otherwise you will not have time to carry out your duty, or to do your own work, and certainly no time for love and happiness. The termites will nibble away your life and leave none of it for you. (This rule does not mean you must not do a favor for a friend, or even a stranger. But let the choice be yours. Don't do it because it is "expected" of you.)
--Robert Anson Heinlein

Wow, loved that quote. Rings too true at times.

For the original poster, you should set a time percentage for helping others like, say, 50% of tonight's hours for helping others, the rest for helping yourself or just resting while catching up on tells/chat/boards. Enforce it and make them understand why you are enforcing it. If they guilt trip you once and it works, they will likely guilt trip you every time. Is that what you really want to look forward to?