/sigh ... anybody got a BIG shoulder?? =(

[Eowenna Celerdain]

I just need to whine a bit, I guess ... mods feel free to delete if I shouldn't post. ops:

I had kind of a weird thing happen. An EQ friend / email pen pal / guildmate is currently making some *extremely* unwise choices. I attempted to discourage this, but I was not heeded. Yes, I was very clear and open with him about my concerns.

Since he seems determined, I stopped urging. And I pulled back, trying to give him space to work it out on his own. I figure the path he's chosen will lead to trouble, and I did NOT want to get caught in any of the fallout.

Seems I didn't pull back far enough. /sigh

Yesterday, I saw someone in EQ acting like she had a crush on him ... and not for the first time. Since the behavior of said character implied a younger player (I'd have guessed her to be middle to late teens), I was concerned. So I briefly warned her in a tell that he's really not a good risk at this point in his life.

Unfortunately, she had a mouth. And I think she misunderstood, perhaps thinking something silly like I was trying to shoo away competition? /shrug

Anyway, a revised version got back to him ... at least, as best I could understand from his flaming, he didn't receive the message at all close to the way I had said it. :x

So I've probably lost a friend, because he's currently being foolish and is now furious that I said so.

I never was any good at lying. :?

(Flames from this situation have provided enough "fingers" in tells to make up several hands. ops: I now have a rather longer ignore list, and I guess you could say that I'm finding out who my real friends are. Miss Mouth is not yet weary of broadcasting.)

Now, whenever he sorts things out ... I'm unlikely to be there to either give out the glib teasing "I told you so," or to help him recover.

So ... anybody have anything "fun" to share that might help cheer me up? Pleeeze?

[Lothay]

Getting involved in anyone else's "affairs of the hart/libido" is a dangerous thing.

I've lost good friends by a well-intentioned comment being misunderstood. My advice... wait a week and clear your ignore list. Most people will be over it by then.

~Lothay

[Eowenna Celerdain]

/sigh ...

The *last* thing on my mind was trying to "get involved" ... my only thought was to warn a kid. I've seen so many kids hurt from *not* getting a warning ...

Ya know, the brief "word to the wise" thing and then move on? Just enough that kid knows that they have a choice staring back at them?


I'm mostly severely disappointed. I had *thought* we were good enough friends, that if someone accused me of something he disliked, that he'd at least ASK for my side before starting with flames. :?

I kinda suspect his real anger stemmed from not liking the "look in the mirror" that the situation provided.

You know how, when people do things that they know deep down inside that they *really* shouldn't do, they tend to get angry if someone *else* shows less than full approval? Like they think if they can convince the other person, or bully them into silence, it would ease their own uncomfortable conscience?

Oh well ... if that's the kind of person he wants to be, I guess he's not really worth having as a friend after all. At least not as long as he's like this.

So ... where's with the funnies?

[Lilosh]

I empathise.

I recently, and fairly frequently see people doing things that are stupid. You(I) see friends doing things THEY KNOW are foolish, but they do them anyway.

Express your concern a few times, explain your reasons, , and if they continue, let them mess up their own lives.

I've long since realized that losing sleep over other peoples decisions is pointless. Do what you can to save them, but if they are intent on being unhappy, or destroying their life, then they are beyond help.


-Lilosh

[storywalker]

Warm fuzzy feelings

Since you wanted some "nice" or "fun" stories to help break you out of the bad mood, I thought I'd share...

Went to my niece's 2-year birthday party this last weekend. She's an only grandbaby on either side of the family, and very spoiled! She's starting to talk a lot, and gets around real well. At the party, she opened the presents in bags with great fervor (a lot of clothes) by pulling out the items, looking them over, then tossing them over her shoulder! Guess they weren't that interesting. She found a spot in fence in the back of the house that she can squeeze through, and was happily coming around the outside of the fence to be let back in at the gate (well dad found that spot quick and fixed it!).

My niece has a "sister" dog named Shai. Shai loves to chase squirrels, and has figured out how to actually "climb" the cottonwood trees in the yard. The squirrels still taunt her, but from much further up in the branches.

And now for something completely different.... Went to the zoo recently and saw a few possible family relations....well, someone's family anyway.

Hope things start looking up for you.

[Zeralenn]

You will become a much happier person when you realize there is one central rule:

There are two kinds of problems in the world: "my problem" and "not my problem".

The key is figuring out what situation falls into which category. You save yourself a LOT of heartache, trouble, and accusations of meddling if you just learn to step back, categorize the problem in question, and act accordingly.

I used to work for a domestic abuse hotline. Trust me on this one.

...Zera

[Eowenna Celerdain]

I agree entirely that many things are clearly "not my problem."

My erstwhile friend's determination to pursue a destructive path for his own life is one example. As a friend, I tried to talk sense to him ... twice. Both my conscience and my concept of friendship demanded that an effort be made.

After that effort is extended, it is "not my problem" unless that friend expressly seeks further input. Then, and only then, I'd have to think it over and decide how involved I was willing to be.

In this case, he wouldn't listen. He's an adult, so the accountability falls upon his own head. He made the choices, he can deal with the consequences.

Recognizing that distinction still doesn't mean I'd enjoy watching it happen. :? That was one of the main reasons I was trying to "give him more space" anyhow ...
__________________________________________________ __

On the other half of the matter ...

If you saw a kid wandering too near the edge of an unfenced cliff, and not looking where they were going, I suspect that a similar ... instinct? ... might motivate you to shout a warning or possibly catch their arm / shoulder and pull them back from the edge.

Even an adult, perhaps with a camera up and not watching how near the edge they'd wandered, would probably elicit a shouted caution from me ... if I chanced to notice their danger.

I do have an especially tender spot where it comes to kids. I could no more sit there and watch my "friend" drag a kid down with him ... than Denmum could ignore the plight of mama gray and her two little kitties. Maybe that's not the best comparison, but it is the one that comes to mind. ops:

Seeing an EQ character displaying clearly immature behavior, and also displaying strong interest in someone who I know is currently in "jerk" mode ... well, I had that same gut-wrenching reaction that I get when I see a toddler wandering toward an unfenced cliff.

So I gave a warning.

Would I do it again, under similar circumstances? Probably.

I realize that many people may not understand that or agree with my response. That's ok. I have to answer to my own conscience, and where kids are concerned ... I can't just sit on my hands and watch them get hurt. If I did, I couldn't live with myself.

I remember a legal precedent, where "witnesses" who fail to render aid to the victim can be charged as accessories to the crime.

Was it "my problem"? I suppose there will be as many different answers to that question as there are people who read it.

For me, in that moment with it happening in front of me ... I was already involved, as a witness. The single sentence of caution I sent her in a tell ... it seems like such a small fuse, to have lit off this wildfire.

Do I enjoy the overreaction, or all these flames? Nope, not at all.
__________________________________________________ __

I'm very disappointed in my ... friend. I'm disgusted with the behavior of the immature person I tried to warn. (She flamed me a lot worse than he did.) She has now made her decision; she will have to live with the results of it.

Both players' characters now reside on my ignore list, because no purpose is served in receiving more flames. I said all I had to say in that one sentence, and I'm done listening to their ... oxen excretion. From now on, both are clearly "not my problem."

At least I'm no longer forced to watch my friend destroy himself. I guess that's one good thing that has already come out of this ... he's not resisting my efforts to be away from him anymore.

If he ever wants to be friends again, he'll need to apologize for his flaming. Sadly, I don't really expect that will ever happen.

I'll miss the person he was, and the person he could have been, probably for a while to come. But I really don't miss the person he is right now.


I do agree with the poster above, who said that this will eventually "blow over." I'm eagerly awaiting that calm that can be expected after this storm.

And thanks to the person who put in some cheerful stuff. Much appreciated.

[Heartsong_Steelsoul]

Cheering up, cheering up.... Let's see, one little kid story leads to another....

A co-worker of mine has a daughter who recently got married. She's now expecting and just had an ultrasound, and revealed to everyone that it's going to be a boy.

The husband's parents immediately ran out to buy him a present for use someday... a shotgun. Oh my.

[Lilosh]

Cheering up, cheering up.... Let's see, one little kid story leads to another....

A co-worker of mine has a daughter who recently got married. She's now expecting and just had an ultrasound, and revealed to everyone that it's going to be a boy.

The husband's parents immediately ran out to buy him a present for use someday... a shotgun. Oh my.

They bought the guy a shotgun? Why? I would only give a man a shotgun if he were having a daughter.




Making sure no boy lays a finger on his daughter (If he ever decides to stop hating children),
-Lilosh

[Ilona]

The way I read it, Lilosh, is that the gun was meant as a present for the *baby*. :roll:

If those were the grandparents of my child (not got children atm!), I wouldn't let them anywhere near the child!

[Sanna]

Eowenna:

in high school, my best friend did a one-sixty degree turn with her life, totally ditched nearly EVERYthing that had meant anything to her before, or given her strength. I tried to support, help, warn, guide, direct, plead, use reason, ANYthing i thought would help.

nothing did. she dropped out of college, despite being the one friend i had in Jr and High school who could get better grades than i did. she's engaged in other harmful activities that i won't mention here.

i won't tell you to not care. I cannot and never will tell you to not care.

but some people are determined to find out if they are alive by burning themselves on the stove. they have to cause themselves pain so they know what the other end of the spectrum is. they feel they must make these bad decisions, knowing full well the danger and damage they are doing themselves. part of it is rebellion and retaliation; part of it is self-exploration. part of it is and always will be pure power tripping on the ability to self destruct.

in the end, you will only be able to help your friend as much as HE WILL LET YOU. Just be there to catch his hand when he finally decides he wants help. That's something I could not do for my friend, and i am very sad for it.


/hug Eowenna

i will try to think of something uplifting and/or funny to post next time i have an hour to check the boards.

till then, eat some chocolate and candied pineapple slices.
/hug again.

[Eowenna Celerdain]

IF he ever wants to be friends again, I'll do my best to be a friend to him.

I wish I could believe that there was any reason to hope that will happen.

Yeah, I've seen others go self-destructive before. Usually there's a few more "warning signals" before it gets explosive. :? The unexpectedness was ... severe. It hurts.

Yeah, I wish it had never happened. :x

Too bad turning back the clock won't reverse time and undo it. :roll:

[fielan]

Eowenna, you have my heartfelt sympathies.

Just recently we watched a RL friend throw friendships away for the sake of love (or... something less honorable).

He is dating a woman that is sucking the life out of him slowly, and.. it's been very difficult for us. Every time we've broached the subject with him, he's become extremely defensive and distant, to the point where we never see/hear from him anymore.

We've made it clear that we're willing to be neutral on the subject, and that she's even welcome in our home, but.. they've made it clear that we're not welcome there, and that they want nothing to do with us.

It hurts. It really does. This fellow was my boyfriend's best friend in college, and to see a 6 year relationship tossed out the window like a piece of trash really bothers him.

So.. people do really stupid things when they're lonely. And you're not alone in the anguish of watching someone destroy their lives while you stand helplessly by.

Again.. *hug* :/