Fun with telemarketers

[mewkus]

While the amount of telemarketing calls I've gotten has decrease a bunch in the past couple years, I still get a call every now and then. But, unlike most people, I don't see them as annoying intrusions into my life, but rather I see them as opportunities for fun.

Most people will either just hang up or yell some obscenity or complain to them and hang up. That tactic does little to provide the kind of satisfaction needed to justify the time spent on the phone. Not to mention it only take about 15 seconds of their time to complete the call and move on to the next victim.

I often view telemarketing calls not as an annoyance, but rather as a challenge. How long can I keep the caller on the line. Yesterday morning's call was my personal best.

A girl calls up attempting to sell a subscription to the local fish wrapper. I listen to her sales pitch for a minute or so sounding rather interested. Then I tell her that I'd like to but need to go get my wife's permission before I can sign up for it. I set the phone down, go in the other room turn on the tv and pour myself a bowl of cereal. After I'm done with the bowl of cereal, i go back and pick up the phone. Normally after sitting there for ~5 minutes, the callers have given up. This gal stuck with me. I told her that my wife wants to know if how soon they can start delivery of the paper. She tells me something like Wednesday. I say, 'ok, lemme go tell her' and set the phone back down.

Back I go to watch more tv and get another helping of cereal. A couple minutes later, the cereal's done and a commercial comes on. I go back and pick the phone up again. She's still there. I ask her if there's anyway they could start delivery on Sunday instead since my wife would probably want to get the sunday paper. The gal tells me they can really only guarantee delivery on wednesday, but she can try to get it started as early as sunday. I say, 'ok, lemme go tell her' and set the phone back down. I get back to my tv show just as the commercials were ending. Perfect timing.

This whole process continues with me coming in and saying that my wife wants to know this or that about the newspaper deal. The girl politely answers and then tries to convince me to go ahead and agree to it as she doesn't need both spouses permission to start the subscription, either one can agree to it. Then I point out to her that I got in so much trouble the last time I did something like that (mind you this is for an $6ish/month subscription -- not like buying a new car with a mondo car payment).

After 45 minutes have gone by, it's finally time for me to go out and do stuff for the day (remember, it's saturday - my day off). So I pick up the phone and tell her that it's sounds like it's too early in the day for my wife to make any kinds of decisions and that she should try calling back in about two hours or so (knowing that I'm going to be out the whole day).

I came out of it with a true sense of accomplishment. I managed to keep her on the phone for 45 minutes. I know that my work saved anywhere from 30 to 50 other people from getting one of those bothersome calls. And it didn't cost me even a penny.

My typical coarse of action is listen to them for about 20-30 seconds then tell them, 'Hang on, I need to find my wife'. I've spent the better part of 20 years waiting and looking for a wife, the least they can do is spend some of their time waiting too. Then come back every two to three minutes and if they're still there, just say 'hang on... i'm still looking' and set the phone back down.

One time, my sister and her family came to visit. While one of these telemarketers was patiently sitting on hold while I was 'looking' for my wife, I took the opportunity to teach my 3 year old nephew how to use the phone. They had a splendid conversation. I'm not totally sure what they talked about, but I'm pretty confident that most telemarketers love getting pearls of wisdom from talking with 3 year olds.

Lastly, if you can keep from cracking up, the best tactic I've found is to view telemarketing calls as free phone sex. Hey, other people pay lots of money for those conversations, why not get them from free from telemarketers. Note, this probably doesn't work as well for women though. The trick here is to start off subtly and throw in little phrases here and there like 'I like the way that sounds', and 'you have a sexy voice', all the while, breathing heavier and heavier. You can top it off my saying something like 'is it ok if i touch myself' (that's the farthest I've been able to get before the caller hangs up on me).

[Kazak]

As annoying as telemarketing calls are, and as tempting as it is to take out the annoyance on *someone* it is worth remembering that the person on the other end of the phone is a person and they probably hate telemarketing calls far more than the people who receive them. The person on the phone is at the absolute bottom of the food chain in those companies, and they are not exactly living lives of glamor or glory.

Karma man, karma.

[Mukkul]

As annoying as telemarketing calls are, and as tempting as it is to take out the annoyance on *someone* it is worth remembering that the person on the other end of the phone is a person and they probably hate telemarketing calls far more than the people who receive them. The person on the phone is at the absolute bottom of the food chain in those companies, and they are not exactly living lives of glamor or glory.

Karma man, karma.

This "person on the other end of the phone" who's trying to solicit me (usually a scam) sure isn't remembering that I'M a person. So THEY will get THEIR deserved karma until they find a legitimate, ethical job.

[Ybolla]

Come now, let's not squabble about who killed whom. This is a Happy Occasion!
Er...
I had/have a buddy from some years ago who felt no regret/remorse/guilt/etc. about doing this very same thing to the telemarketers. It's been some years since I've been in contact w/him and he used to play EQ, but I am pretty sure he is not Mewkus (et al.). Still, it warms my cockles to know that someone is still out there having fun with the phone solicitors.
IF thems that are the solicitors get paid by the solicitation then they should learn to recognize that they are being strung along. IF they, the solicitors, are getting paid by the hour then who cares how they spend their time on the phone. If their feelings are being hurt by being manipulated by their callee ...well...they deserve that, in my opinion, because all too often we the callee are put into a position that we'd really not be in by them calling us to sell us their crappo. IF I want the X-product I will find a way to get it, I don't need any solicitations to buy it.
My 2 cp.
Fun read Mewkus. And IF, btw, you are Rich, give your Ole buddy Ian a call at your earliest convenience please : )

[Kahmon]

I used to tolerate telemarketers civily......until I got "The Call".

A woman called up identifiying herself as being from Pacific Bell and wanting to offer me a free phone with several special features.

I hate being tied to a phone, and at the time was talking to her on a cordless, so my first question was, "Is it cordless?"

It wasn't, so she tried to focus on what it did have instead of what I wanted it to have. I didn't care. The first thing I look for in an apartment is assigned parking spaces and the first thing I look for in a phone is being cordless. Without that, no deal. I politely tried to tell her that I had no use for it and that it would be a waste for them to send it to me so they should move on to someone who would use their free phone.

However, she was very persistant and had many suggestions of what I could do with it, so I finally accepted. At that point she connected us to an independant verifier to make sure I was accepting the "free" phone.

The third person joined the call saying, "Hi. This is soandso, here to verify you acceptance of a new phone from Pacific Bell".

I replied, "Yes, but first I want you to verift for me that there are absolutely no fees or other charges that I will have to pay".

She answered, "Well there is $14.95 for shipping". Apparently the phone was not as free as I had been lead to believe.

At that point I started screaming an explative ridden tirade, something to the effect of, "What? You f%$ing lying B$^#&. I didn't want this $#!^ when you said it was free. What makes you think I would take it when I'd have to pay anything for it?"

Seeing as that was how Pacific Bell chooses to treat their customers, I decided that I didn't want to be one anymore. I swore I would never pay them anything again in my life. Nine months and some interesting phone calls later, they finally shut off my phone. It's now eight years later, and they still havn't seen a dime from me.

[Keotek]

This "person on the other end of the phone" who's trying to solicit me (usually a scam) sure isn't remembering that I'M a person. So THEY will get THEIR deserved karma until they find a legitimate, ethical job.

Perhaps they will quite calling you once you go out and find yourself a legitimate and ethical job instead of sitting at home all day answering the phone.

Until then, perhaps you should report the companies that are calling you with unethical ways and remember that not all are unethical or not legitimate just because you don't like them. Or do you agree that you are also unethical and not legitimate because someone doesn't like you?

[GrimwoodCT]

I get calls at my restaurant all the time.
We have to answer the phone, call-ins are a vital part of our business.

The big scams are "we are part of the Internet Yellow Pages/Internet phonebook" etc. We just want to update our info.

A month later $39.95/month on the phone bill for tacit approval of advertising.

Local fire companies/police jurisdictions/sports teams are compromised when we get a call:

"Hi, I am Tim with the Harrisburg Senators baseball team. We've had a great season, wonder if you could help us out?"

What is you position, jersey number and batting average?

"Oh, well I don't play for the team I just..."

Why not be honest?

Don't be a contrarian and defend these pieces of human excrement in leisure suits. If there was a bounty on their skins they could be hunted for sport.

[Keotek]

So everbody must hate them with the stupidity that you show is what you are saying? Also that nobody is allowed to not think exactly as you do? Great attitude yourself. You know that your job makes you just as low as them in my eyes. So nobody better be contrarian and defend you either.

It's sad that you can't even see the difference between those just working, and those trying to rip you off. I guess that means your restaurant sucks because I've had bad service at other places. You're all the same after all, as you've pointed out.

Here is a tip for you since you obviously can't figure it out for yourself. Once you figure out who they are, hang up on them. You give them the chance to rip you off, then you get what you deserve. Even your example of the baseball team is stupid. Not everybody with a team plays. Guess you don't know jack about sports either.

[HaelonTT]

Take a breather Keotek, by your reaction one would almost think you owned a telemarketing company.

The one I still like the best is the Callee who acted like he was a police detective investigating the callee's death hehe. He kept the Caller on the line for quite awhile asking things like how did you know the deceased, where were you at between the hours of...etc. Near the end he finds out where the Caller works, then acts like he is talking to another officer at the scene and instructs him to call the Callers local police to have the guy picked up for further questioning. He finally ends it by asking if the Caller was the Callee's gay lover, totally completely funny lol.

[Keotek]

No, I just believe that childish behavior isn't something to be proud of. They complain about something, but yet haven't even bothered to try and get rid of the thing they dont' like obviously. If they had, then they would use the no call list and then report anybody who breaks that and calls them. Heck, we've all had bad ones, but I also find that just saying not interested is enough for most if you make sure you sound like it.

Also, do you like being told that you should follow the crowd? I guess so. Good job.

I'm also glad those people are at least working. Many of them don't like what they do either, but at least they are working instead of going on welfare. Some of you also have jobs that people just hate. I was honest with the restaurant thing, I think those people suck. The can give you the worst service in the world but then bitch if you don't give them a tip. They can act like it's their right to get a tip. So therefore, according to logic here, all people in that field are the scum of the earth.

And no, I don't own one. I don't work for one. I'm retired Army. I know what it's like to work long dirty hours. What about you?

And to make it easier for those who don't want them to call. www.donotcall.gov

If you don't use it, then you have no room to complain.

[KyrosKrane]

OK, the thread has degenerated into name-calling and personal attacks. While I understand both Keotek and mewkus' points of view, I think we've reached the end of the productive life for this thread.