Depths of Darkhollow Alternate Abilities (Humour)

[Fox the Clever]

I blundered across this article while browsing through the Mage Compendium boards. I thought you all wouldn't mind a laugh, so I copied it over to here. Enjoy!

So there’s this strict nondisclosure agreement about the DoDh beta. I agreed to it, sure. But then I also told the landlord the rent would be on time this month, and I told myself about 700 AAs ago that I was going to cut back on EQ.

I tooled around, played with some mobs, etc. etc, but you don’t care about all that. You want to know what AAs are coming, and really that’s all I wanted out of the beta myself.

I’m sure some of these are going to be tweaked, removed or replaced, but as per what I saw as I created a toon of each class, here they are.

All Classes

Old Faithful

Only works in the Guild Hall. Upon zoning in, if you become trapped in an AFK toon, activating this ability causes a geyser to erupt beneath the offending party that plasters them against the Guild Hall ceiling and leaves them hanging there like a chandelier. The second rank of this ability leaves them hanging there like a piñata.

Advanced Alcohol Tolerance

This ability enhances the effects of being drunk. The first rank allows you to do property damage with your horse. The second rank makes you think you’re a really good player even if you totally suck. The third rank logs you into a Shadowhaven hotel room, smelling of troll and blissfully ignorant as to why there’s a ball gag in your face slot.

Methodology of the Cheese

This ability, when turning trader mode on, automatically searches for the lowest price listed for any item in your trader satchels, then lowers your price by exactly one plat.

Omission of Idgaf

This passive ability affects people you only hear from when they want to lord some uber new piece of gear over you. Upon linking the item, it’s deleted from their inventory.

Warmth of Yesteryear

This ability adds soft lighting, sappy music and chirpy birds every time you click on some bank-clogging piece of junk you haven’t worn since Dervs were good exp.

Hoarding Efficiency

Five ranks. Each rank increases by 10 the number of AA points you can bank.

Day of Rest

This ability makes the Creator unavailable for 24 hours.

Transmit Ignore

This ability adds your target’s name to the ignore list of everybody on your friends list thus saving them from ever having to go through what you just did.

Eyes of Archie Bunker

This ability makes all players that merged to your server appear on your screen as 1940’s European immigrants. The second rank allows you to voice emote, “Aw, jeez. Wouldja look at that.”

Eyes of Genghis Khan

For players who were merged from their native server to another, this ability sends you a message every time a worthwhile target pops in any zone. Second rank summons a flock of seagulls that voice emote “Mine mine mine mine mine mine mine.”


PAL/SHD/WAR

Unification of Church and State

If there are two or more clerics in your group, this ability gives you control of all of their spell bars, guarantying you that at least one of them is going to heal.

Clarion Call of Vindication

This ability displays your failed taunt messages to the entire group.

Garden Hose of the Furious

This ability summons an Avatar of Walther Mathau that chases off swarm pets before they can push the mob so far out of position it’s agroing people in an adjacent zone.


BRD/MNK/NEC/SHD

Gift of Spock

This ability lets you know where any mob will warp to.

Gift of Picard

This ability renders you bald, so you’ll no longer pull your hair out when a named you’ve successfully navigated halfway across MPG gets pasted by a group heading for trials.

Gift of Lucas

This ability will make your group eagerly await your next pull, no matter how atrocious your last pull was.


BER

Call of the Lonely

This ability influences other berserker mains to join your guild so you’ll no longer feel like your only brethren are twinks.


BRD

Fires of Remembrance

This passive ability causes intense bursts of pain in your wrists if you even think about disrespecting /melody.

Pay Your Dues

This ability allows you to remove /melody from twink bards.

Cultural Awareness

This ability explains why, in troll illusion, the animation for percussion songs involves rubbing the drum into your armpit.


BST

Central Park Lure

This ability makes your warder so cute it allows you to strike up conversations with women.


CLR

Divine Empathy of Repetition

This ability instils in players of other classes a sudden feeling of having worked on an assembly line for forty years, endlessly pressing the same three buttons over and over again, without ever being fully appreciated for assuming, full time, this monotonous task.


DRU

Return of the Cabbage

This ability appends all your spells’ names with “of the Cabbage.” C’mon, you miss it. You know you do.


ENC

No Room at the Inn

This ability allows you to mez the puller.


MAG

Summon Balls

This ability allows you to conjure a pair for the raid force that spent six hours setting up and now wants to call it quits without engaging because the 12k tank logged off or one of the chanters is LD.


MNK

Extended Faking

Allows you to fake paying attention, fake caring, and fake orgasms.


NEC

Bone Daddies

This ability summons a trio of skeletal bards that will play Parisian style Jazz and choke the air with opium smoke until all the mobs in the area of affect are wearing berets and growing short, pointed goatees. Mobs thus affected can still be killed, but they’ll be cool with it.


PAL

Lay on Feet

This ability kicks you in the a$ every time you burn your LoH one tenth of a second before the CH lands.


RNG

Sneaky Enhancement

This ability allows your buffs to hide behind other buffs when people are trying to click them off.


ROG

Laundering

This ability allows you to remove all the totally worthless rubbish from your guild vault and put it in another guild’s vault.


SHD

Farm Touch

This ability compels the target to run out and copulate with the first barnyard animal they can find.


SHM

Exploitable Cannibalism

This ability summons a film crew and a South American soccer team.


WAR

Magnanimity of Hate

This ability allows you to 100% lock a mob’s agro on the player that keeps taking it from you. Second rank makes all mob agro lock on target player until they zone. Third rank locks agro until the account expires.


WIZ

Wardrobe of Artillery

The first rank of this ability provides Illusion: Trebuchet. You become a towering but rickety catapult that lobs gigantic boulders at the target. The second rank makes you look like a B-52 Bomber. The third ranks says, “Ah, f--- it,” and turns you into a mushroom cloud.


Group/Raid Leader AAs

GROUP/RAID

Find Path to a$

This ability creates a glowing golden path to a drama queen’s nether region so he/she can pull their head out of it.

Lesson of Tom Sawyer

This ability allows you to delegate all LAA abilities to another member of the group or raid, letting them feel all cool that they get to designate MT and stuff, while you relax and hog all the leadership experience.


RAID

Spirit of Friday the Thirteenth

This ability summons a hockey-mask-wearing, machete-swinging Avatar of Jason Voorhees that immediately slaughters any players cybering when they should be paying attention to the raid.

Natural Selection

This ability permanently bans the account of any player who pops a Jester of Bristlebane during Trial of Corruption.

Banker’s Hours

This ability randomly locks and unlocks the raid so that people think you’re at your keyboard.

Let My People Go

Each rank of this ability allows you to increase, by one, the number of players allowed into an instance.

Personally, I found the Old Faithful and Methodology of the Cheese AAs the most amusing.

[Melinia]

ENC

No Room at the Inn

This ability allows you to mez the puller

I so need this one.

[Elyssanda]

one for all classes:

Siphoning the d00d:
Anytime you group with someone who tells you " I have a level 60+ (whatever class you are). it took me less than a week to get there, so I can tell you how to play your (whateverclass you are) better than you are even though you've been playing that class ONLY for more than 3 years."

Effect, siphons 5 levels from all alts on his account, refresh every time he speaks to you.

Only available to toons with birthdates Pre-2003

[Maisie]

Omission of Idgaf

This passive ability affects people you only hear from when they want to lord some uber new piece of gear over you. Upon linking the item, it’s deleted from their inventory.



plz plz plz plz plz plz !! /beg

I would love this

[Bumkus]

As long as we are having some fun with this...

Kei to the Kingdom:
Opens a path to the nearest enchanter and extracts a Kei directly from their mana bar.

This is availible to caster classes only, as hybrids are considered melee.

So Convict me:
Opens a path to the nearest cleric and extracts conviction directly from their mana bar. If conviction not availible, a "/shout %t doesn't have conviction" is generated, after which Virtue is extracted instead.

This is availible to melee classes only, as hybrids are considered casters.

[Tyfold]

Instinctual Terror of the Cabbage.

I approve.