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  • Sometimes, you need to walk away for a bit.

    There's a lot to say here, and even if I tell myself to start at the beginning, that doesn't exactly narrow anything down. Do I back up on a calendar and start from November 3rd? Or do I lay this out in an 'as I discovered it' fashion?

    So if this ends up a bit hodge-podgy, I'm sorry.


    A handful of people understand the significance of "November the 5th" to me. A fewer number know enough of the real story of why. I wasn't even sure until very recently. I apologize if what I say here oversteps a few cultural boundaries, but I see no other way.

    I have very low tolerance to a lot of things: cold; stress; pain; medicine. I take medicine so rarely that when I do, it hits me hard. Unfortunately, I have a five- or seven-year reoccuring physical issue for which avenues of remedy are becoming less and less beneign. The doctor, in October, gave me a prescription for Yasmin, a "hormonal regulation suppliment", also known as a birth control pill. I began taking it on the morning of Monday, November 3rd.

    That evening, about 12 hours later, I was talking with Kiztent while making quivers in the bazaar, and from what I could tell, I sounded hyper, or like I had eaten too much sugar. At one point, he asked me if I was on drugs; he meant it only as a joke, and I took it as such at the time.

    Forty-eight hours later, Wednesday, November 5th, SOE patched in 200 Sense Heading, and I snapped. I remember almost everything, even now, with a rather creepy clarity, especially considering the asinine fickleness my memory has adopted in the past couple of years. It was like being on a roller-coaster while watching a movie; super-intense emotions and an air of unreality about the whole thing. I meant what I said, but that doesn't make my manner of delivery appropriate.

    The next day, the whole thing felt like a wierd, horrible nightmare; creepy that I remembered actions like that, and sickening that I had actually done them. I was conversing with Quartic about the previous day, and then looked at the clock and said, 'Oh yeah, gotta take the medicine.' And he looked at me, and pointedly said, 'The medicine? The medicine that jacks around with your hormones?' I felt like I had been slammed into a brick wall face first. I desperately wanted him to be wrong in that; if indeed the medicine had dictated my actions the day before, was I, the 'real me', to be absolved of them? After all, I didn't 'really' do it, 'it was the medicine'. My standing could be replaced, everything could go forwards as it would/should have, and I could finally be /really useful/, which is all I ever wanted in the first place, to help. But that's a cop-out, and I knew it. My fingers typed and posted those words under my name, and I had to pay for the infraction.

    "Accepting punishment is a sign of strength. Accepting responsibility is a sign of maturity." Just over a week later, I had talked myself into accepting responsibility as best I knew how. I apologized, it was accepted by Ngreth Sir, and I tried to go about re-finding where I fit in, how I could still help EQTC, and getting all my homework done and still play EQ. November proceeded to kick my ass and PK me (and then camp my corpse), but it always does, has for the last eight years. I didn't perceive anything reaaaally wrong with me; I thought I was just under inordinate stress. (Hey, a 15 page paper for Japanese Linguistical Anthropology, and only 4 days to write it, and that was the 4th of 5 papers this semester. Can you blame me? ^_^) Four of the five papers were due in November, and I think I had 3 or 4 tests too. Computing (Dis)Services did their part to hack all of us off, especially over Thanksgiving break, and I only mention that agian to lead into the next point.

    The breakdowns. The crying fits. The uncontrollable severe mood swings, and generally spending most of my time feeling like a : | face, with half-lidded eyes. The 'Gray mood', it is termed in my head. If Nov 5th was the initial explosion, the rest of November was filled with little crunchy fallouts. I know there were at least three instances of note; the one I remember well happened the night of Thanksgiving, when I returned to the dorm to find that Internet had been cut (after they had said that my dorm et al would not be affected). I went up to my room, hoping against, I dunno, /some/thing that it wasn't true, but it was. And I stood in my 10x12 cinderblock room, my roommate had gone home out of state, my BF was with his family, I had no Internet... I felt, very suddenly, very alone. Trapped in a cage with no way out. And I snapped. I screamed, I cried, I punched the bed and kicked the door and determined I hated them all, a lot. When I calmed down, the mood still wasn't really gone, I just wasn't screaming and crying.

    The whole month, I tried to tell myself that I had operated my whole life at an imbalance, that the medicine would help me be right, correct, normal. I tried to tell myself the moods were only due to stress. Finals came, finals went, I got 4 A's and a C (in Dance???), I hung out with Quartic for like 5 solid days, and then... someone opens a thread about Gates. And I post. And Lilosh totally blows past what I'm saying, then he starts nitpicking. Gna. So 'of course', I have to clarify what I'm saying. 'Because I know my position makes sense, I just must not have stated it clearly enough.' So I try to clarify, and a bit of anger seeps in, but I tried to keep it under control, and thought I had. Then, Sunday morning, the thread gets locked. See where this is going?

    I snapped again. In a Christmas-break-empty dorm, I felt like my heart had been ripped out. What was I doing? Why did I care? Why did I bother? What was the point? Did it even matter? Why did I even ever try? Why did I ever open my mouth, why did I start this game? The whole gamut. Then I looked at the clock, and realized I hadn't taken the medicine yet. Words cannot describe the swell of searing hate I felt. I looked in the mirror and saw what I was, what I had become, what I was doing right now, and knew what little it had taken to make me like this (IE, 'just' the locking of the Gates thread, as well as the underlying reasons for why). I was not stable anymore. I was not sane, and I was not safe to myself. And that **** pill was the reason why.



    I don't want pity. I don't even want sympathy. I don't want any /hugs for this. I can even deal with getting no replies at all. This is not necessarily here for 'discussion'. The Sanna you have been interacting with over the past two months has not always been the real Sanna (whoever that even is anyway), especially if you had the misfortune to find me in a bad mood (which you probably did). Part of this is here as a warning; certain individuals informed me of the relative psychoses that the various brands of birth control have been known to cause. I add this story to the mix. Do all brands do this? No, I hope not. I'll need a working brand someday.

    I find myself continually apologizing for a two month old 'sin', even though I should know I've been 'forgiven'. I find myself rehashing buried history, but in a new light. I find myself realizing that I'm a bit more broken than I gave myself credit for, and that I'm going to need some time to make sure I even /can/ reach a point of relative stability again.


    I need to let the drug (I cannot call it medicine anymore >_<) drain out from my system. I need to let my body process it through, and I need to not put any more in it for a while. I want to smile again, I want to stop crying. I want to laugh like I used to. If I'm going to keep playing EQ, I want it to be fun again. If I'm going to work at it, I want to enjoy my rewards. But mostly, and most importantly, I want to be stable enough again to help. I've missed two chances at it now; at least I was ever told about the second. Maybe that's all I get, I don't know. I don't know a lot of things anymore, and I wish I did.


    I need to take a small vacation from the boards. I hate reality, I always have, and that is evidenced in so much of what I've said and done here, but i need to find a working balance with it. Something narrowly missed killing me this past November, and that something was me. I don't know who I am. I can't be sure what I am and am not capable of. And until I am, I have a responsibility to try to excercise what's left of my so-called self-control and go away from the people I've hurt, to stop hurting them, and myself.

    I have only one other thing to post, I will do so on Monday (visiting relatives in the meantime), regarding Kiztent's Christmas gift to me. Then I will disappear until I am more certain of myself. It's the least I can do anymore.


    Fear is a horrible thing. Being afraid of yourself is the worst.

    -- Sanna
    Mistress Tinkbang Tankboom - Ak'Anon, Tarew Marr
    Gneehugging Chantaranga of the 66th Mez Break - AA:59
    Assisted by Nakigoe Sennamida, Druidess of 65 Foraged Steamfont Springwaters - AA:8
    Quartic, Darkie Wizzy of 52 Self-Snares - Best Crit: 1680.
    [BK-210 // BR-250 // BS-203 // FL-200 // JC-240 // PT-200 // TL-200 ]---[ TK-179 // RS-182 // FS-165 ]-- Points: 1503/1750 -- Shawl: EIGHT and wearing it ^_^.
    Icon by Kenshingentatsu

  • #2
    If you disappear until you are sure of yourself, you'll never come back. I'm still uncertain about a lot of things myself.

    Either way, life is crazy, you get used to it and go on. The stuff you are dealing with, believe it or not, everyone has dealt with and come to terms with. It's just not something you ever really talk with anyone about.

    So, uh, yeah, know how you feel, get your head together, get Iroke to SH, we have fun times keeeling stuff.

    Enjoy the holiday.

    Comment


    • #3
      Sanna,

      I hope you are still here to read this or perhaps somebody will tell you of it. I rarely used to take medication of what ailed me when I was younger. I had an episode where I tried to drive my car into others on the road, all becuase I had taken a *name brand pain reliever* for a bad headache I had earlier that day. After that day I swore I would never take any other kind of drug EVER. Now 13 years after this incident I still have never taken any other drug, not for phnumonia, not for a broken wrist, not for anything. I started a small herb garden and got interested in "alternitive medicine"

      The human body is a very fragile balance of chemicals and each scale tips slightly different. Take the time to clear your system, but know that you will be missed.

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: Sometimes, you need to walk away for a bit.

        Originally posted by Sanna
        , and then... someone opens a thread about Gates. And I post. And Lilosh totally blows past what I'm saying, then he starts nitpicking. Gna.

        I thought you'd been joking when you'd been saying recently that I was being mean. I'm sorry if I've been picking on you more than usual.

        I only do it out of affection.


        And as for the Gates thread, I'm sorry if you felt I was nit picking. I did nitpick about when the level cap was raised, but other than that, I was trying to honestly debate the points you made.


        Anyway, I sure hope to see you in game, even if you do leave the boards for a while. :-(


        -Lilosh
        Venerable Noishpa Taltos , Planar Druid, Educated Halfling, and GM Baker.
        President and Founder of the Loudmouthed Sarcastic Halflings Society
        Also, Smalltim

        So take the fact of having a dirty mind as proof that you are world-savvy; it's not a flaw, it's an asset, if nothing else, it's a defense - Sanna

        Comment


        • #5
          Oh, and you'll always have a place in my sig.
          Venerable Noishpa Taltos , Planar Druid, Educated Halfling, and GM Baker.
          President and Founder of the Loudmouthed Sarcastic Halflings Society
          Also, Smalltim

          So take the fact of having a dirty mind as proof that you are world-savvy; it's not a flaw, it's an asset, if nothing else, it's a defense - Sanna

          Comment


          • #6
            As cliche as it is.. "I know how you feel". Even though it may seem like it's impossible, Been there too here.

            When I was around 8, I started having problems.. very violent mood swings (From hyper, to snuggly/friendly, to downright viscious and dangerous, all withing 20 minutes), and sever stomach pain.

            My 'Doctor' put me on birth control pills at around age 10. 'To help balance hormones'. The pain got worse, PMS was better.. but it wasnt pms. Those pills made the mood swings less common, but I also started having extreme nightmares, and at one point I was put in a hospital for trying to make my brother not quite as healthy..


            I quit taking the pills while in the hospital (well, ok, 'mental facility', or whatever you want to call it. was there about a week). No more pills, I was stable. I was happy and calm, and felt GOOD for the first time in years. Went home.. and was ok for a few months, just on pain pills for my stomach and dealing with skin problems.

            Turns out, I had lupus. And Am bi-polar. On a VERY high dose of Prozac atm to help control it, and I STILL have problems at times, Those BCP's could've *killed* me, or risked the life of someone else.. But alas, they're prescribed as 'hormone control', so mal-practice(sp?) isnt an issue. Right, sure.

            Things dont always get better, and saying they will doesnt help. Not much CAN help.. except learning. Dont take them again.. if your doctor insists, ask for an alternative, anything.... And if anyone else is reading it and thinking about using them.. If you've got a history of problems (My family is riddle with autoimmune diseases, thyroid problems, as well as mental 'difficulties'), dont take them. If you're using them for their actual task.. just be careful.

            Sorry, was venting.. I've got issues with BCP's.... well I've got issues with a LOT of things, heh.

            Off the soapbox now... I hope things work out in a good way.. and if you hurt someone and they're your friend, and they understand.. but dont forigve you.. Maybe they're not your friend anyway. (Went throught that too, but off soapbox now).

            No matter how dark and bleak things get, at least you know where the bumps and potholes are now, so you dont hit them again

            <edit: Removied smilies... You have any idea how difficult it is not to abuse those little suckers? >

            "Are you sure you dont want me to tank, Mr Heal Plz?"

            Art by Apolline.

            Comment


            • #7
              I hope none of this sounds preachy. If it is, just blow it off, or send me a /tell and chew my butt off if it helps you feel better.

              EVERY one of us has times when we do things that "aren't the real me." For some of us that's real easy to fix-- it can be something as "simple" as stop drinking, or eat right, or get enough sleep, or break up with the jerk that's making life a living hell; others may be still stuck at the step of "what is making me act like this?" or even at "I don't like the way I just acted, is that *really* me?"

              For the rest of us-- being stuck at the first or second step, figuring out what we'd like to be, and what we are, really sucks. Please don't feel like you need to be happy, or cheerful, or even more than nominally polite during this phase of your life. Have some faith that someday, the misery will end, and every day you survive is a day you have made it through, hopefully with some progress toward locating the cause of that misery and fixing it, and if not, it's a day you've made it through, period. And that's enough, and (this is paradoxical, but true) if it makes you feel better to admit you feel like crap, go for it. You can make a positive contribution even through your own misery; just don't let "what you could be right now if this wasn't going on" break your heart.

              I don't want to make it sound like you should put everything off until you're "all better." There may not be an "all better," it may be a case of "hey, I can live with this"-- many of our greatest contributions to literature, philosophy, and so on have been made by people who were missing major parts of their lives, often parts that made them very personally unhappy. You are still a valuable person even if you feel like a hissing, rabid porcupine, and if you don't feel like you yourself can pull out of that pit of despair, then there are many fine professional people who are more than willing to help you.

              On a more practical note, and I'm so totally not a doctor or any medical professional, but one of the common side effects of anti-baby medication is that it tweaks with your absorption of the B-complex vitamins, several of which are the chemicals your body uses to>>> control mood swings<<<. If you haven't mentioned your mental reactions to your regular doctor, PLEASE do so; and if you have somebody you're seeing for your head, PLEASE tell them about the meds you're taking for your plumbing.

              And if you need to talk, you know what channel to find me in. We can snarl at each other, if you want.

              Nhinx Aphsion
              usually a moderately well-controlled rabid porcupine

              Comment


              • #8
                Nhin is right.


                As a lot of you know, I'm what would be politely referred to as a bitter, sarcastic, misogynistic, manic depressive. Which are my good qualities. On my good days.

                A lot of times, putting off stuff until you're "All better" is just not the way. If you push away the people you care for until you're mentally stable, than you'll almost never achieve stability.

                Now, if you ever manage to find the reason we get up in the morning, the secret to not dreading the day, or the solution to life seeming unbearable...... Please let me know.


                And if this "Taking a break from the world" thing really works, I might have to give it a shot.

                -Lilosh
                Venerable Noishpa Taltos , Planar Druid, Educated Halfling, and GM Baker.
                President and Founder of the Loudmouthed Sarcastic Halflings Society
                Also, Smalltim

                So take the fact of having a dirty mind as proof that you are world-savvy; it's not a flaw, it's an asset, if nothing else, it's a defense - Sanna

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by Lilosh
                  Now, if you ever manage to find the reason we get up in the morning, the secret to not dreading the day, or the solution to life seeming unbearable...... Please let me know.
                  There is no secret. You persist... or you don't. Eventually, you will reach a certain peace with that. Once you do, it gets better. The thing is you can't try and accept life because that will make it better, you just have to accept that it's going to suck, you're not going to quit and that's ok. At least that's what happened to me. Hard to explain.

                  Originally posted by Lilosh
                  And if this "Taking a break from the world" thing really works, I might have to give it a shot.
                  Never did, but again, that's just me. Now, you may need to take a break from a part of the world (EQ, the trader board, something else), but not the whole thing.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Update.

                    One and a half weeks with no 'drugs'. I feel relaxed. I feel happier than I have since early November. I feel like I should have felt since finals got out, and hadn't until now.

                    Yes, we never 'really' know who we are. Yes, we all have days that 'aren't really me'. If I'm not going to be really me, I'd rather be not-me while being as me as I can. IE, I don't want even the possibility of another influence in my system that ISN'T me. If I have to answer for my own mistakes, which of course I am willing to do, I want them to be MY mistakes, no some drug's.


                    /hugs to any who read, /apologies to anyone I hit while lashing since November. I will still keep a watch on myself, especially when dealing with boards. And yes, I have always had a tendancy to be harder on myself than anyone else is. Such is me.

                    I have precious few RL friends anymore; EQ might be partly to blame, but I do know it's partly not. (See also the Addictive Personality thread, around here somewhere). I'm sorry I'm not interacting with this set of friends any better than I have. I'll try to do better. In theory, I can only get better from here ^_^.


                    I'll still consider myself as being 'away from the boards' until I have something useful to offer again. Pricing data is not being sought, LDoN data is still being reloaded, I guess I just have to wait till I find an opening again. /shrug.


                    /bow.
                    Merry Christmas, since I missed it, and Happy New Year.

                    -- Sanna
                    Mistress Tinkbang Tankboom - Ak'Anon, Tarew Marr
                    Gneehugging Chantaranga of the 66th Mez Break - AA:59
                    Assisted by Nakigoe Sennamida, Druidess of 65 Foraged Steamfont Springwaters - AA:8
                    Quartic, Darkie Wizzy of 52 Self-Snares - Best Crit: 1680.
                    [BK-210 // BR-250 // BS-203 // FL-200 // JC-240 // PT-200 // TL-200 ]---[ TK-179 // RS-182 // FS-165 ]-- Points: 1503/1750 -- Shawl: EIGHT and wearing it ^_^.
                    Icon by Kenshingentatsu

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Sanna,

                      I am glad things are getting better.

                      As to an "opening" to contribute... one of the things that changed with LDoN was the Augmentation Slots being added. I KNOW we have those as a low priority... but if you feel up to it, maybe start collecting what the augmentation slots are on the equipable items (I don't think non-equipable have augmentation slots) that would fill in a gaping hole...

                      But this is just a suggestion.

                      Happy New Years Eve
                      Brother Krazick Bloodyscales 65th Trial Scaley Transcendent
                      Krizick 37th Kitty Tank
                      --Officer of The Renegades--
                      --Innoruuk Server--

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        1 type 7 on everything pre ldon. time uses type 8 instead. not on anything that gets recharged or remade. gnome clockwork armor for instance. there yeah go.

                        happy to see you aren't anymore. i took some pills the doctor gave to combat mild depression. i just felt loopy. didn't do anything but wasn't right. hard to explain. anyway good luck.

                        edit yes it is hard to stop smiley abuse. appropriate here though.

                        Maker of Picnics.
                        Cooker of things best left unidentified.
                        "Grimrose points to the sky. Look! Up in the sky, it's a bird, no, a plane, no it's Picnic-Man. It's Emiamn, a mild mannered tradeskiller by day but daring handsome crime fighter at night. Spreading peace and joy to norrath with his mighty Picnics!"

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Well... actually a single Type 7 for most armor items... but I think Type 4 for most weapons.

                          And I don't really know when Type 1s show up.

                          But if someone would methodically check the items, in groups saying stuff like:

                          ALL Small Leather pieces have one Type 7
                          ALL Leather pieces have one Type 7

                          ALL Velium Weapons have one Type 4

                          BUT really be methodicall about it... it would help identify potential glitches...
                          Brother Krazick Bloodyscales 65th Trial Scaley Transcendent
                          Krizick 37th Kitty Tank
                          --Officer of The Renegades--
                          --Innoruuk Server--

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            aah ok. type one was changed to type 7. type one shouldn't exist anymore. type 4 is for weapons your right. wife is working on lowbie tailoring. might get her to try all the silk. i can look intos wu's but really not in love with tailor atm.

                            Maker of Picnics.
                            Cooker of things best left unidentified.
                            "Grimrose points to the sky. Look! Up in the sky, it's a bird, no, a plane, no it's Picnic-Man. It's Emiamn, a mild mannered tradeskiller by day but daring handsome crime fighter at night. Spreading peace and joy to norrath with his mighty Picnics!"

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