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This is Apology Version 9, at least, because I'm never happy with the way the others came out. I'm almost paranoid of posting now... there is a fine line between enthusaism and obsession, between being 'righteously justified' and being 'right out of your mind.'
I crossed that line badly. And I'm sorry.
Part of the reason it's taken me so many days and so many drafts to post this is the perception that I hurt people so directly that I shouldn't even show myself in order TO apologize, and my inability to accept direct responsibility for what I did. Punishment is easy to accept, but so is finding a reason why 'I didn't do it.'
I did it, and I'm sorry. I broke rules that I knew beforehand, and that I knew afterwords, and that I should have known at the time. I lost control of myself, and snapped so badly I barely recognized myself a day later. I could blame school stress, and wouldn't be too wrong. I could blame new medicine, and wouldn't be too wrong either. I could blame the 'last straw' concept, and probably wouldn't even be far from the mark with that.
But even reasons, legitimate ones, accurate ones, after-the-fact ones, they're all beyond the point.
I broke rules, I broke trust, and I'm sorry.
It is true I don't know why I exploaded. It is true that I have exploaded before. It is most probably true that I will expload again at some point in the future. The only thing I know to say at this point is that I will do my best in the future to at least contain such losses of self-control to the point that they don't injure people again.
I hate causing trouble, and I've been beating myself up for duration of this thing because when I am an idiot, I am really huge fricking idiot. I can never cause trouble even when it's semi-convenient to have trouble caused; no, I have to wait until the most breathtakingly inconveninent moment possible to make the huge ass of myself.
Between the papers (why is that still plural?), final presentations, final projects, and other stuff that I would say I hate with a passion, except it's closer to 'hating with an apathy', the board will be spared of my opinions and derangements for at least a month. With any luck, I will have stabilized by then enough to try to begin to rebuild.
Until then, I can only hope that I'm not too KOS to be able to do some Chocolate Truffle turn-ins to raise faction just a bit.
*crouches on the floor, Japanese style, and offers up to Denmother-sama....*
I crossed that line badly. And I'm sorry.
Part of the reason it's taken me so many days and so many drafts to post this is the perception that I hurt people so directly that I shouldn't even show myself in order TO apologize, and my inability to accept direct responsibility for what I did. Punishment is easy to accept, but so is finding a reason why 'I didn't do it.'
I did it, and I'm sorry. I broke rules that I knew beforehand, and that I knew afterwords, and that I should have known at the time. I lost control of myself, and snapped so badly I barely recognized myself a day later. I could blame school stress, and wouldn't be too wrong. I could blame new medicine, and wouldn't be too wrong either. I could blame the 'last straw' concept, and probably wouldn't even be far from the mark with that.
But even reasons, legitimate ones, accurate ones, after-the-fact ones, they're all beyond the point.
I broke rules, I broke trust, and I'm sorry.
It is true I don't know why I exploaded. It is true that I have exploaded before. It is most probably true that I will expload again at some point in the future. The only thing I know to say at this point is that I will do my best in the future to at least contain such losses of self-control to the point that they don't injure people again.
I hate causing trouble, and I've been beating myself up for duration of this thing because when I am an idiot, I am really huge fricking idiot. I can never cause trouble even when it's semi-convenient to have trouble caused; no, I have to wait until the most breathtakingly inconveninent moment possible to make the huge ass of myself.
Between the papers (why is that still plural?), final presentations, final projects, and other stuff that I would say I hate with a passion, except it's closer to 'hating with an apathy', the board will be spared of my opinions and derangements for at least a month. With any luck, I will have stabilized by then enough to try to begin to rebuild.
Until then, I can only hope that I'm not too KOS to be able to do some Chocolate Truffle turn-ins to raise faction just a bit.
*crouches on the floor, Japanese style, and offers up to Denmother-sama....*
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